Not My Plans, but His Plans, Part 2
Recap from the last post: I had my verse, my big plans, and lots of desire. If you missed that post, click here to read it.
Then something happened. I got pregnant. This was pretty monumental for me, having health issues and a very active four year old boy. I wanted our baby so bad though. The major issue was that I was so very sick. Morning sickness all day plus zero energy. My big plans came to a major halt/crawl. I still kept working on the shirts, but at a much slower pace. I did not like this slower pace one iota. I remember thinking, “Um God, I really thought I was supposed to do this t-shirt thing, but I’m barely functioning.” You know what I got back?
“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,”
- Isaiah 55:8
“Ok,” I thought, “I can roll with that.” I want God’s plans over my own. We say that right? But do we really feel it deep down in our heart of hearts? I thought for sure I would just do what I could until the first trimester ended, and then I could pick up the pace again.
Ugh. Here comes the hard part. God’s plans were not mine once again.
I went into my 11 week pregnancy check up, and learned that our baby had at some point stopped developing and died. I just stared at that awful black screen, knowing there should be a baby in there. How could my body be deceived? I had already seen the baby at 7 weeks, and it looked good with a heartbeat. I could not process what was happening to me.
A few days later, I went through a difficult miscarriage, which ended with a trip to the ER due to complications. On that same day, my elderly grandmother died. I felt broken. My dreams for our family had literally gone down the toilet, and I was unable to say goodbye at my grandmother’s funeral due to my health issues.
Image courtesy of usamedeniz at freedigitalphotos.net
I did not, however, feel hopeless. I felt God’s presence like never before in that difficult time. I dove into God’s Word and read so many scriptures and poured my broken heart out to God. I felt His comfort, even though it still hurt like nobody’s business. This quote from Ann Voskamp in “One Thousand Gifts” perfectly explains how I felt:
“I feel Him hold me - a flailing child tired in Father’s arms. And I can hear Him soothe soft, ‘Are your ways My ways, child? Can you eat My manna, sustain on My mystery? Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work all for the best good of the whole world - because My flame of love for you can never, ever be quenched?’”
I won’t lie to you and tell you that I’m fine now. Nope. I’m still feeling a little broken. But I’m ok with that, and I know that God is ok with that too. “Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3) God meets me where I am, and He will carry the burden for me and give me rest (Matthew 11:28).
I’ve definitely gotten off my overly ambitious train and I am taking things much slower. (Although I’ll probably try to jump back on at some point and then I’ll have to slow down again). I look at my four year old son and every day I praise God for him. Even if I am never able to have another child, I have been so blessed with this precious boy.
And I really do wants God’s plan for my life. I want God’s plan for Heart Work Tees. What exactly that looks like, I’m not sure. So for now, I take it one day at a time and trust God with the details, and that is enough for me.
Maybe you can relate? I would love to hear from you. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org.